Two Roads

I stand at a crossroads,

Two roads to choose.

One is dark and jagged,

The other is light and truth.

Life changing moments will be found on both the paths,

One road lead to happiness

One to sadness and even death.

Paralyzed by fear I walked with my friend, ed

But the longer we walked, the more he manipulated my head.

“You’re worthless, you’re fat, a mistake at best,

You’ll never be loved but if you stick with me, we can surely change that.

You’re too much, not enough, face it- you will never measure up”

I will spend this life chasing his numbers- a slave to the scale,

But no matter the number I will always feel like I failed.

So, I stay on this road because it’s all he says I deserve

His voice cold and callus and disgustingly perverse

I’ll starve, binge, and purge and spend hours in the gym

All this wasted time chasing after one tiny ounce of worth.

But I stand at this crossroads

And stare at the paths

One is dark and jagged

One is calling me to take a step.

This path is so bright

I know it can’t be Ed’s!

This road whispered real promises and they weren’t from ed.

Truth pulled at my heart.

Love flooded my soul.

I knew, deep down for a moment I was more than the lies ed told.

Then someone took my hand,

I knew she was the one I could trust instead of ed.

Together we chose the path of hope

And in a moment, I decided to surrender ed’s side of this tug of war rope.

At the crossroads I stood,

But I took that first step,

On the path of life, and truth, and a future without ed.

Like a baby learning to walk I will have my share of falls,

But with God in my heart, I can overcome it all.

I will fight

I will pray

I will be set free.

I will walk by faith and find the woman who God made me to be.

What lies ahead is unknown

But God will hold my hand down this road unknown.

 

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”

• 2 Corinthians 5:7

This Is How I Fight My Battles

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“Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around because he was not used to them. ‘I cannot go in these,’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in hand, approached the philistine.” – 1 Samuel 17:38-40

 

What do you think of when you see the word armor? It’s a funny thing isn’t it? Soldiers used to garb up in all the armor they could find to fight what ever was opposing their freedom – (look at how Saul tried to deck out David to fight Goliath!) But amid my struggles, I can’t help but wonder- when did “armor” become this element that shields us from ourselves? When did we decide that we need to hide every single piece of us to protect the deepest places of our hearts? At what point did relinquishing control and letting others see our raw, real, painfully authentic selves become too much for us to fathom? What leads us time and again to this place of armoring up to pretend, to cower, to hide behind a brave face?

And friends, to be honest with you, I don’t have the answer. I don’t even come close. But what I do know is that the things that lead us to layer up to hide our pain, our struggles, our uniqueness- those things sweet friends- they aren’t ours to hold. They never were. And they aren’t ours to hold because this messy, disastrous, yet somehow wonderful human battle has already been won for us. Because God fights for us EVERY.SINGLE. DAY. He fights even when we feel defeated and like we can’t trudge on any further. He’s got us and he is never far away.

Just look at the cross.

Look at our savior’s arms spread wide.

Spread so wide to wrap us in the warmest blanket of love our imperfect selves could imagine.

Grace pouring from his blood-stained tears.

Our shame nailed down with his tender hands that hold ours as we walk through our own pain-

Whatever that pain may be.

So, what if we were courageous enough to take a page from David’s infamous battle with Goliath and drop the armor that holds us down. What if we trusted God so much that we open our hearts in full surrender to him and lay our hurts, our addictions, our past, what ever keeps us from living out who He created us to be- what if we could lay that at his feet. What if we could give him our broken and bleeding hearts and allow him to heal those scars that we think we hide so well? What if we trusted just like David, that, “this battle is not ours alone, but God’s” (1 Samuel 17:47) and just started there?

I can’t promise you that this will be easy because if I’m being honest, I’m not completely there myself yet, and that’s ok because trusting doesn’t have to be this huge one-time thing. We can choose to give our trials to HIM a little at a time each day (over and over again if we have to), because in the end, small things lead to big change.

Just imagine how amazing this life can be when you give the battle to the one who so selflessly conquered the world. Imagine a life without your addiction, your eating disorder, whatever your “pretend armor” may be. Imagine a life where your most jagged and deepest scars are healed because of how much HE loves you. Imagine a life where your value isn’t defined by the words of your mother, father, sister, or brother but your worth is defined by the words of your HEAVENLY FATHER who knew everything about you before you were born, and I believe He doesn’t make mistakes. So, believe me when I tell you that YOU are not a mistake, because YOU are HIS. And because you are HIS he will fight to set you free every single hour of every single day from the chains that hold you down.  All we have to do is relinquish our armor and trust. Just like David.

 

 

 

(BE)LOVED

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In Romans 8:37-39 we are told the following:

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Friends,

How AMAZING is it that God loves us so much that NOTHING in this world can separate us from His love? Let that truth sink in for a minute. Let it flood every cell of your body. There is absolutely nothing we can do that can make God stop loving us.

WOW.

The sheer beauty of that statement takes my breath away.

I don’t know about you, but I have walked through much of this life believing that all love was conditional. I grew up in a house where mistakes=love withheld. I was threatened time and time again to be sent away because I was a disobedient child or angered my parents in some way, shape, or form. I grew up believing I was “bad” and because I was “bad” I was unlovable. I would cry and beg my parents not to send me away. I would promise with tears flowing from my eyes that I would be better, I would be good, I wouldn’t disappoint them anymore. What a burden for a small child- any child, really, to carry.

So sweet precious spirits, today, no matter what your past may hold, no matter how much rejection and hurt and conditional love you have experienced in your past- rest peacefully in the reassurance that no matter what lies you have been told, you have a heavenly father who loves you without conditions. You have a father who forgives your mistakes and will never withdraw his love from you. You have a father who will NEVER let go of your hand or heart even if you try to push him away. Be still in that promise today and know that you are forever loved, forever worthy, and forever enough.